Tl;dr-I realised a ton of shit, fully and completely.

So the last few months have been full of personal realisations, but because of this that and the other they’ve never really hit me hard enough to ingrain themselves into me properly. However, apparently a week of early shifts and relatively poor sleep combined with hard exercise really forces them onto you, in a good way. So that’s what today’s post is about. If this sounds too emotional or what have you,  I advise you to read tomorrow’s post, which could be summarised by ‘fuck yeah gay marriage!!!!’

For starters,  work. My last job, as most of my friends and family know, left me a bit shitty, and for the longest time I’ve been furious at the MD there . Whether it’s for telling me off hand that I nearly got fired in front of my college tutor, throwing the lengthy chest infection I had at me as a reason not to pay commission (I got half when I signed off for work realted stress at the end), and any number of stuff. Fact is, I could’ve,  amd should’ve, left long before it got to that point; it’s not like I didn’t have the chance. There was a whole range of things I could’ve done to change the situation,  and while it wouldn’t have been easy with my mental health and low self esteem, I could’ve done it. However, from that, I now have a great job, with much better pay, in a much better environment.  I also joined Unite. The realisation? Being mad at him is useless now, and it was because of his douchebaggery that I’m where I am now. The other realisation is I don’t hate work, I just hated that job and place.

I don’t want to do the professional musician thing anymore. This is a big one. Ask me what I wanted to do 4 years ago and I would’ve told you I’m going to be a professional musician in some capacity. Over the years that’s slowly dwindled and I’ve blamed it on plenty of things but the truth is it’s because,  and I’m going to be so cliché here, I’m growing up. I don’t want to tour, deal with band drama, sink money into something I’m not going to see a return from for ages, etc. I still love listening, playing,  and writing music, and I can still release my own stuff if I ever get round to it, but I don’t have to. I don’t have to.

It’s ok I haven’t cried over my relationship with my ex breaking up. It doesn’t mean I’m not moving forward,  and neither do the flashbacks of memories. It means I’m just not ready to cry yet, and that the memories are just fresh and come back because they’re fresh and strong, just like any other strong memory.

I’ve got a lot of moving forward to do. There’s infinite room for me to grow, and I’m just getting started.

Now back to my workout before I completely cool down.


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Posted in Thoughts and ramblings

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